Would you class yourself as a people-pleaser? I wouldn’t, but I know it is a problem many struggle with so I decided to give The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D. a read.

Right at the beginning of the book, there is a Do You Have the Disease to Please? Quiz. Not only does this help reveal whether you are a people-pleaser or not, but it also helps to uncover the reason why you are a people-pleaser.

Not everyone is a people-pleaser for the same reason. Harriet believes that the reasons why someone is a people-pleaser can be classed under three different categories: People-Pleasing Mindsets, People-Pleasing Habits and People-Pleasing Feelings. The three categories combined make The Disease to Please Triangle. Each one of these categories in then explored in future detail.

PEOPLE-PLEASING MINDSETS

For those who are a people-pleaser due to their mindset the problem is with their thoughts. Harriet writes that “your mind has a people-pleasing virus that is messing up big portions of your hard drive including how you feel and how you continue to behave with other people”.

Whilst there are lots of different toxic thoughts you can have Harriet highlights two specific things: The Ten Commandments of People-Pleasing and The Seven Deadly Shoulds. Whilst these may seem ridiculous when written down the fact is many people follow those thoughts.    

PEOPLE-PLEASING HABITS

For some being a people-pleaser has become a habit. For many people-pleasing started as a child and now is a way of life. People behave in this way because they are seeking to approval and most importantly are trying to avoid disapproval. This can be very dangerous. As Harriet writes, “if your preference for being liked and approved of becomes mandatory, or if the consequences of disapproval seem monumental and catastrophic, you’ve crossed over into dangerous psychological territory where the ice can get very thin”.

This section examines the different type of relationships with people-pleasing may exist. There is a chapter looking specifically at how your parents raised you may have influence your desire for approval and in Chapter 9: Love At All Costs Harriet discusses the devastating reality of being a people-pleaser in a romantic relationship.

PEOPLE-PLEASING FEELINGS

The third side of the Disease to Please triangle is People-Pleasing Feelings. This is where people are people-pleasers in order to avoid certain emotions, in particular, anger. Harriet believes that “One of the reasons you may feel so fearful of other people’s anger is the underlying worry that your own anger might get triggered.” Many people are scared of anger because they don’t know how to control it. In the book, Harriet discusses the four phases of anger: yellow alert, ignition, escalation and resolution and shares how confrontation is something to embrace, rather than avoid.

21-DAY ACTION

Whilst the first half of the book is dedicated to understanding why someone is a people-pleaser, the second half of the book focuses on how you can change your people-pleasing ways.

There are 21 different steps that you are meant to implement day by day to start your journey of turning round being a people-pleaser.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Overall, I think this is a great book to read if you think you are a people-pleaser. In fact, even if you don’t think you a people-pleaser you should definitely grab a copy of the book and take the test. I don’t class myself as a people-pleaser, so was very shocked by how highly I scored.

Even if you aren’t a people pleaser I love how practical Harriet’s advice is. In the 21-day action plan, there are lots of scripts to help you start being able to have challenging conversations with people. I also loved all the discussions around anger, conflict and fighting constructively. I think being able to deal with conflict is so important, but was something I had never spent the time learning about before.

If you like the sound of The Disease To Please you can buy a copy for yourself by clicking here.

This book was read as part of PropelHer’s Book, which is a women-only non-fiction book club. If you are an ambitious women who want to read books to support your personal development and professional success then you can find out more about PropelHer’s Book Club at www.propelher.co.uk/bookclub.